2012

With the year quickly drawing to a close, I've been looking back and I realized...this is the first year I haven't been able to cross anything off The List since I first started it 8 years ago. Quite tragic, not to mention depressing. And yet it was still a good year-mainly because of the month of June. So on to 2012 we go. I'm not one to make new year's resolutions, but this year I would like to work on forming good habits. I read this great article and was inspired:

http://zenhabits.net/fitguide/

It's about how establishing good habits, a month at a time, can change your life. I desperately need to cultivate better habits in my life. Usually I try to do too much at once and get overwhelmed so the change never actually happens. The habit I will be cultivating the whole month of January is this: to start off every morning with 15 minutes to God-5 minutes for a prayer of thanksgiving, 5 minutes for concerns, and 5 minutes reading the Word. I know..it's not much, but I think it's Good. Definitely a good habit to have. Anyone have any resolutions/goals/habits to work on this year?

i know

I know this isn't the most interesting blog in the world, and I don't keep it up to date at all. Eventually it'll become a proper blog but for now I really don't have the time or the mind to keep up with it. Right now it's just a random smattering of thoughts, me thinking to myself, as I try to keep sane. I don't like feeling invisible, or like a pawn, and I'm feeling both to the extreme right now. I'm so thankful for the jobs I have right now but I'm also very dissatisfied with it all. And my whatever-you-want-to-call-him is also making me feel rather extremely invisible--the one person who is never supposed to make me feel this way. Life is a fog and I just want to sleep until the sun burns it off.

The Longing

Contentment is a thing that seems to come and go with me. I capture it in moments; moments richly sweet and apparently slippery, as I can't seem to hold onto one for long. Joy and peace are constant but contentment is like hunger.

I have this cabin fever, this need to go, and explore, and meet new challenges, and without it I get restless. I can't stay in one spot too long before the classic TCK longing hits-the longing to go, to do, to be completely out of my element and learn, to EXPLORE...I don't think it's something a non-TCK could understand. It can be a really good thing if you don't let it take over. It has me firmly in its grasp at the moment, and I'm rather certain that is the cause of my current state of discontent and somewhat frayed emotion. Juggling a few part-time jobs and a for some reason undefined relationship and trying to be a light to my co-workers and do my best at all jobs is a little bit exhausting, especially with the longing knocking at my door.

Thankfully, I don't have to do it all on my own. As Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). People use that verse out of context all the time to mean whatever they want, but Paul is talking about contentment--even contentment is possible, through Christ--read the surrounding verses (Phil. 4:10-13).

If I could I would jump in my car this moment and just go. Just go. Come with?

bird in a cage

Closing her weary eyes, the world changes. Four white plaster walls became a light salty breeze again, a misty mountainous castle view, a colorful loud marketplace, a green field with sheep; each adventure coming together to form the closest thing she's ever known to "home."

The time of waiting, of in-between, seems infinite when it is upon her. The lightning laces across the sky and the rain sings on the tin roof as if it understands her frustration. Memories spring up and haunt both day and night, taunting, tempting her to join them in bouts of nostalgic depression. Like an exotic bird trapped in a cage, alone except for its memories of flight.

"Wait," He whispers, so quietly she could easily fool herself into thinking she didn't hear. "Wait here for now, beloved; be still, and quiet, and listen. Wait just a little longer; you can't imagine the riches I have in store for you."

6/27/11

I'm feeling rather defeated these days; inadequate, rundown, perhaps a bit blind. Tired. Disappointed.

"But take heart; I have overcome the world." -Jesus

I ran into this scrap from the blog of Adam Young (Owl City); I don't think he'd mind if I share:

"

If you stop fearing the Lord, you will stop fearing SIN. And when that happens, everything you deem unthinkable suddenly becomes tolerable, passable, admirable, moral, legal, and even applaudable. Dear Lord Jesus, help me to uproot such seeds of sin growing in my life and allow me to draw down daily grace so that I may glorify You with every fiber of my being. Take control of my soul, my mind, my emotions and my will. I long to follow You by all that I am even though it’s obvious I need more grace than I thought.

"

the boys and girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucyH0LOYD5c

A moment

I found a moment today; or rather, a moment found me. Collapsing onto my bed after a hard days work and with Zoe Keating playing in the background, I opened right up to 1 Cor. 9:22. Paul has a way of punching me in the face no matter how many times I read his letters. I am no Paul; and yet I was called to be like one much better; the best; the Perfect One.

I am a woman, and as such, I play the comparison game. But to whom am I comparing myself? Lately, it seems, not to anyone that matters. I will never be that cool girl, you know, the one with beautiful thick dreadlocks and tattoos and piercings; or that serenely beautiful girl; the flawless tall one, graceful and talented. As much confidence and love as I have for myself, for who and how God made me, I still idiotically find myself occasionally playing the comparison game with them, most of the time subconsciously. This time I am conscious of it, and conscious of the fact that I'm comparing myself to an image, an idea, a concept...imperfection; a mist, a vapor. What a distraction. What a blasted waste of time. And for what? What exactly am I afraid of?

Like Paul, I must be all things to all people. That means setting my mind not on foolishness but on Love. Love--which is patient, kind, rejoices with the truth, bears, believes, hopes, endures, doesn't envy or boast, isn't arrogant or rude, doesn't insist on its own way, isn't irritable or resentful, and is...fearless. Fearless. Now that is something to play the comparison game with. Thanks again, God, for using Paul to giving me another moment.

Zoe Keating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIdgNJ4ufkU