I love Christmas!

It's Christmas time!!! My 4th graders had their special English program this past Friday, which was really great. Proud of those crazy kids. It's been awhile since I've gotten an internet translated English note, so imagine my joy at reading this note I found on my desk about what I should do to prepare for the program:

"Please prepare the preparation thing for the self introduction as shown in the photograph etc.

I hope if there is a thing that it can know Christmas of the home country (photograph etc.). It is excellent on the introduction of an easy song and the dance.

This staff of the school will record the appearance in the photograph, and permit, please when you exchange it.

Please eat the school lunch with the child. Please inform me if there is something that it is not possible to eat for reasons of on the religion and the body."

So difficult to hold in the laughter whilst reading this to myself in the teachers room. Oh Japan, I'll miss you when I'm gone. Here's my "christmas card" for the year. I took the pic in my English room, and yea I made that fireplace :). Oh and please excuse the sloppy handwriting...

Merry Christmas!!

priceless

Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Last year there were 32,249 suicides. In 2009, from January to September there have been 24,846. It breaks my heart. These are all people that are dearly loved, but they don't know it.

Why? Why do we forget so easily what we knew so well as children? Then, we knew fun as an essential part of everyday life. Then, we knew how to love freely. Then, we knew we were precious. And then, everyone else knew we were precious too. But somewhere between the disappearance of chubby cheeks and the appearance of cheekbones, we forget. Why is that everyone accepts babies as precious things deserving of love, but not adults?

As children, everyone knows it; but then we grow up and become disillusioned. Please, don't forget! I think of my 700+ kids, from my chubby 4 year olds to my grown up 6th graders and I pray they won't forget or become a statistic. We're all priceless. Everyone.

The Identity Question

Living in Japan this past year and a half has been rather difficult for me. There is much that I love here but I must be honest; it's been some of the roughest times of my life. And it all revolves around the identity question I think. I suppose most people go through this sort of thing in their teenage years. But for me, since I have no roots and I've moved so often, I'm nearly constantly going through an identity crisis it seems. I thought I had worked through it a bit by this point, but then I took a test. The test is called the Intercultural Development Inventory and it measures whether you're in the unresolved, in transition, or resolved states of many different kinds of cultural sensitivities. I'll only mention my most interesting result- my encapsulated marginality score. I scored really low, only about half-way through the unresolved stage. An explanation:

"Issues in Encapsulated Marginality indicate that you are struggling with how to integrate your intercultural abilities with your identity. You may be asking yourself, "Now that I can shift my cultural perspective and behavior whenever I want, who am I anyway?" You are probably feeling some alienation from all cultures you know about, including your own. For instance:

• As a traditional-age or returning-adult student, you may have trouble making decisions about what to study, since everything seems equally interesting and important to one of the many careers that you are considering.
• In business situations, you may find yourself feeling separate from your co-workers and unable to identify with either the corporate culture or any of the national/ethnic cultures of which you may be a part."

That's pretty spot on. I've never really fit into any ethnic/national group and I've always known that I can't. I know full well I'll never quite belong on earth. Although it can be quite frustrating, I love my life and I wouldn't change the past. But I must admit, sometimes, hearing stories from those people who never left their own backyard, who knew everyone in their neighborhood, who were never seduced by the call of the jet engine or the allure of a train speeding around the bend...sometimes, I hear their stories and an unexpected pang of envy creeps in. Oh how blissful it must be not to wonder! What elation there must be upon seeing an untrodden path in the forest and not feeling obligated by the very blood in your veins to discover its destination! How marvelous it must feel to hear about mysterious far-off places and yet be content in a cubicle 9 to 5! Ah, but alas; that is not me. It seems I'll remain a wandering gypsy til my dying day.

Here's to Samantha Brown

Don't get me wrong, I admire Samantha Brown. I used to want her job. But the more I watch her show the more I realize she doesn't really see any of the countries she tours. She has the same vacation every time--high class hotels, wine, lounging on the beach or skiing, expensive meals. It doesn't even matter where she is, it seems. Isn't travel more than fancy meals and high-end hotels? Isn't travel more than sight seeing? She and I just have a different style. For me, travel involves a mix of pleasure and pain. I don't just want to see the pretty exterior, the outer and superficial. I want more of the soul of a place. Give me food out of a van on the side of the road. Give me lodging that's less than $40 a night and close to where people actually live. Give me sights that are more ancient than modern, more history-filled than superficial. Give me time spent exploring without a guidebook, time spent with real people, full of sounds, tastes, colors, smells, sights...life. That's the way I do it, and that's why I leave every time with a broken heart that never fully heals. Here's to Samantha Brown, who is somehow able to enjoy herself and keep her heart intact. But I shall continue to travel like Anthony Bourdain who, like me, understands the heartache of travel and yet keeps going back for more.

professional gypsy looking for work...

Well I'm no longer stuck in Bangkok. Vacation was good, but I think I'm going to do most of it again. Thailand, Cambodia, and Malaysia haven't seen the last of me (or so I pray). Now I'm back in Japan with The Question still looming before me, waiting for an answer I'll have to give in the not-so-distant future. What is a gypsy like me supposed to do with her life? White picket fences scare me. The mere thought of an office/desk job is terrifying. Living in one spot for more than 4 1/2 years is nearly incomprehensible. And I'd almost rather do paperwork and make up my bed mom-style for a year than do more schooling. I don't think I'm supposed to stay here for another year but I have no idea what my next move is supposed to be. But then again, aren't things in my life always foggy? I don't think I'm supposed to stay here but I don't feel like I'm supposed to move back to the states just yet either. With my degree basically in miscellaneous though, I don't even know what I'm qualified to do. I do, however, know what I love: 

• photography
• writing
• traveling
• God
• art (modern, ancient, fashion, music, page layouts...I find it all fascinating) 
• people (people are fascinating too, particularly TCKs, ATCKs, ex-pats...)
• natural healing/natural medicine/nutrition 

Perhaps I should go back to school for photography. Perhaps...perhaps a lot of things. I think my dream job would be to work for a travel magazine or some TCK publication, taking pictures and writing for them. Or, maybe just writing for myself. Or maybe I should go back to school to actually become a teacher and work for DODDs or some international school. I don't know. I'm curious to see what God has in store.

Anybody hiring? I can start in April of next year...

Im stuck in Bangkok for the moment, but there are worse fates.

:)

from the past

July 22, 2007

"...we went through the hermitage and stopped so Jennie could tell the story of Nanny Grey for those who hadn't heard it before. And there, in the forest, the stories are real. There, with the trees singing their quiet songs and the sunlight fighting with the shadow, the legends have life and breath and the footsteps of the wood cutter, the blue lady, and Nanny Grey can be heard faintly, if you only listen..."

I miss it so much. 

anybody hiring?

I tried to post about my bday a few weeks ago but I can't figure out how to put pictures up properly on here with my new computer. I'll have to do a picture post later. Summary: Tokyo Disneyland is wonderful; I love it; it was a great day. Captain Jack Sparrow came to me, I didn't have to go to him; best bday ever. 

If only every day could be like a day at Disney. But alas, here I am stuck in the reality of being an AET in Mito. The only thing that keeps me going at the moment is knowing that in just over a month I'll get to take my vacation and go to Malaysia again, Thailand, and Cambodia. Far more laid-back cultures than here. Which I need rather desperately. I'm through with all the disrespect and ridiculousness. To pass the foreigner's driving test to get a Japanese license, there are 19 steps you must do in exactly the right order before you even start the car. I've got until November to figure out what to do next. On one hand, it seems stupid for one to leave an easy job that pays really well; on the other, it seems stupid to keep a job that drives one insane. On my budget, it pays well enough for me to take two long trips a year and to pay off a sizeable chunk of my student loans; if I were to stay here 2 more years I'd have my student loans completely paid off. But I think 4 years total in my current situation might not be worth it. So, pray for me please. I don't want to make a decision without knowing if it's what God wants me to do; and as that's a bit difficult to discern, please pray. I appreciate it. 

oh 23..

I can't believe it's almost my birthday again! Has it really been a year? Has it only been a year? 23 has been the most difficult year of my life thus far. And it's not because of Japan; it's me. Japan is just a key player in the story, a setting that has allowed things to happen. I was drawn to this country, away from everyone and everything I know, not fully comprehending the draw but knowing I should follow it. Here in this environment certain things have become glaringly obvious and all the issues from my globally nomadic lifestyle have caught up to me and punched me in the face. One day I'll write a book. Now, though, I feel like I'm on the very edge of something; something good, and real, and much needed. So I'm interested to see where the 24th year will take me. I've never made a big deal over my birthday before although part of me has always wanted to. I've never done anything more special than going to a movie; never had a party or anything like that. I want to celebrate what God has done these 23 years and cheer to the next, because God is good and I think it's a good thing to celebrate ones existence as well. So this year, I'm doing something--I'm going to Tokyo Disneyland; and I'm so so excited. I'll never really grow up.

still alive

Yeah...sorry. It's been awhile. My old OC dell pretty much died, but now I've got a new Macbook in English, but with a Japanese keyboard. Easy enough to get used to. I also now have a car; a tiny kei-car, my first car ever:

It's been about 13 months now I think, officially longer than at least 1 other place I've lived. I still don't know what to do next...but, no worries. It's Golden Week now which means I don't have to go back to work for another 5 days!! I plan on using the time to stay as far away from stress and responsibilities as possible. I'll write a better post next time.

wait out the rain

I’m actually not sure why I’m posting this one. It’s really more just my own thoughts, the musings of a TCK, than anything blogworthy. But for some reason I feel like I ought to, so here you are ladies and gentlemen: welcome to my musings.

What have I done this past year? What of meaning? I can’t think of much. I’ve made a few people happy here and there but that’s about it. Through my own stupidity I still can hardly communicate. Through my own ignorance I still don’t know what’s going on half the time. And through my own –I don’t even know what to call it—I continuously accept and reject life here without ever fully embracing it. I’ve had some extraordinarily good times here. But have all those times simply been pleasurable, and not productive? What will last from any of it? I’m about 90% eternal optimist and 10% extreme pessimist; I think growing up a military TCK has made me that way. (TCK = Third Culture Kid; go here if you don’t know what that is http://stevewebel.com/2008/what-is-a-tck/). I know you have to make the most of every situation. I know that if you want to have a full heart you always have to be open to getting it broken. I know that friendship is the most valuable thing in the world. But the pessimistic part of me wants nothing more than to find an empty cave high up in the mountains, far away from the rest of the world, far away from any peoples or countries that I would love and eventually have to leave. I know, with each final hug, the chances of paths crossing again are rather slim. And since I can’t seem to stay in one place for longer than 4 ½ years, I know that each person I become friends with will eventually break my heart, and I theirs, when one or the other of us moves. Even though part of my heart is always broken, even though I’m always missing someone and somewhere, my heart is full. Broken and full to overflowing. I suppose only another military TCK can understand that. So here I am again in a place where people are constantly coming and going. I stand now staring the end of the semester in the face, looking back with a critical eye, looking forward at another year and yet another sad goodbye to one close to me. Sometimes things seem so confusing, so unfair. But I only see part of the picture now. From my classroom I can see a mountain range in the distance except on the most overcast of days. One glorious sunny clear day a few weeks ago, I looked out the window and I could see new mountains I had never seen before; huge and snow-capped. They were there all along; I just hadn’t been able to see them. Then a few weeks later it was rainy and I couldn’t see any mountains at all. By then, though, I already knew the secret of the mountains, that they hid themselves there in the distance but were there whether I could see them or not. All I had to do was wait out the rain.

Classic TCK song that’s been a part of me since the 2nd time I lived in Germany: http://www.imeem.com/hatchie/music/CTTBI3vm/goo-goo-dolls-iris/

life is not a box of chocolates

Sorry for slacking on the posting again...

I want to write something eloquent, something to make you feel what I feel at the moment. But the words aren't coming, and besides, I don't actually want to make you feel exactly as I do. My stress level is currently far too high and I wouldn't want my writing to cause anyone to have elevated blood pressure or a heart attack. So I will be short and blunt: things suck. Really, really suck. And yet every day God gives me something beautiful--a hug, a book, a bar of lavender soap, chocolate, a genuinely happy smile, and an encouraging word, to name a few. God uses us to help each other, and it's wonderful when we actually realize it. Last week I was actually able to get a day off to climb a mountain with 3 friends. It was one of the best days ever; I've kept some of the peace from that day with me and it's helped to keep me sane. Here are some pics. I went with

Miranda:

Derrick:

and Kyle:

The weather couldn't have been any more perfect; we could even see Mt. Fuji in the morning. I've got more pics on facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2032363&l=bff39&id=168302105. There are pics from sumou and other stuff in Tokyo in that album as well. Okay well that's all for today folks. It's time for me to try and de-stress with some tea.

Aladdin's Princess

Somehow coming back to Japan on Sunday felt...right. The journey was long--it started at 3am on Saturday with a 3 hour drive to the airport and ended on Sunday at 8pm as I stepped into my apartment. Inbetween that drive to the airport and arriving at my apartment were 2 plane flights, a bus ride, a train ride, a taxi drive, and a walk. I think the total time comes to somewhere between 27 and 30 hours. I felt peace as I stepped into my apartment and I'm sure it wasn't only because of my exhaustion. It felt right the next morning taking my usual walk to work, passing the gate to the shrine in my neighborhood as it stood half bathed in the rays of the rising sun, with the old twisted tree growing silently beside it. It felt right today--the day of opening ceremony and first day back for the kids after break--hearing the words "ohayou gozaimasu" ringing through the crisp and freezing morning air and repeating them back. Of course one can't put one's trust or well-being completely in feelings, since they are rather fickle in nature and apt to change several times in a day. But I do think God uses them sometimes and I think in this case it was the Holy Spirit letting me know that it was right-or at least okay-that I signed on for another year, that I can be used here. So we'll see what happens. I must mention one more thing before moving on to Christmas--when I got to work today I noticed that one of the teachers across from me in the teachers' room had a big post-it note type paper pad of unchikun (the Japanese cute poop); I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing. Now for an overview of Christmas. It was wonderful. I got to see all of my family, go to Disney World, eat mom's cooking, and see two old friends. It would be boring to read everything I did, so for your sake, my dear reader, I'll just mention a few things from Disney World. My favorite thing (apart from just spending time with Staci) was meeting Aladdin. I must admit that I was a little ridiculous. We spotted him from a distance and immediately I became all nervous and excited like I was going to meet Johnny Depp or something! So then we got in line (and I must mention that we were the only adults) and got our picture with Jasmine and Aladdin and they were both really nice. Aladdin took my hands, smiled, and called me Princess--twice--and I know it's silly, but really-that made my year. I'm a hopeless romantic; I can't help it.

The Pirates of the Caribbean ride was great, and I had another ridiculous reaction when Captain Jack Sparrow walked past me to his show.

What can I say? Yohoyoho a pirate's life for me.