wait out the rain

I’m actually not sure why I’m posting this one. It’s really more just my own thoughts, the musings of a TCK, than anything blogworthy. But for some reason I feel like I ought to, so here you are ladies and gentlemen: welcome to my musings.

What have I done this past year? What of meaning? I can’t think of much. I’ve made a few people happy here and there but that’s about it. Through my own stupidity I still can hardly communicate. Through my own ignorance I still don’t know what’s going on half the time. And through my own –I don’t even know what to call it—I continuously accept and reject life here without ever fully embracing it. I’ve had some extraordinarily good times here. But have all those times simply been pleasurable, and not productive? What will last from any of it? I’m about 90% eternal optimist and 10% extreme pessimist; I think growing up a military TCK has made me that way. (TCK = Third Culture Kid; go here if you don’t know what that is http://stevewebel.com/2008/what-is-a-tck/). I know you have to make the most of every situation. I know that if you want to have a full heart you always have to be open to getting it broken. I know that friendship is the most valuable thing in the world. But the pessimistic part of me wants nothing more than to find an empty cave high up in the mountains, far away from the rest of the world, far away from any peoples or countries that I would love and eventually have to leave. I know, with each final hug, the chances of paths crossing again are rather slim. And since I can’t seem to stay in one place for longer than 4 ½ years, I know that each person I become friends with will eventually break my heart, and I theirs, when one or the other of us moves. Even though part of my heart is always broken, even though I’m always missing someone and somewhere, my heart is full. Broken and full to overflowing. I suppose only another military TCK can understand that. So here I am again in a place where people are constantly coming and going. I stand now staring the end of the semester in the face, looking back with a critical eye, looking forward at another year and yet another sad goodbye to one close to me. Sometimes things seem so confusing, so unfair. But I only see part of the picture now. From my classroom I can see a mountain range in the distance except on the most overcast of days. One glorious sunny clear day a few weeks ago, I looked out the window and I could see new mountains I had never seen before; huge and snow-capped. They were there all along; I just hadn’t been able to see them. Then a few weeks later it was rainy and I couldn’t see any mountains at all. By then, though, I already knew the secret of the mountains, that they hid themselves there in the distance but were there whether I could see them or not. All I had to do was wait out the rain.

Classic TCK song that’s been a part of me since the 2nd time I lived in Germany: http://www.imeem.com/hatchie/music/CTTBI3vm/goo-goo-dolls-iris/