i did it

Well, I've done it. I signed the paperwork last week and I'm staying for another year. And every day since that fateful day has made me wish I hadn't. Not that I really have any other options anyway, but still it would make me feel better to know that I could just tell Japan I'm sick of it and leave. It's really not that bad, and I know it'll be at least a little better in a few months when I finally get a car. But a lot of things are getting to me. I'm quite adaptable, but I have to be careful of what I allow myself to adapt to. I refuse to adapt to the way I'm treated here; I will not succumb to "slave-girl syndrome." But being treated like you're lowly, invisible, and not worth as much as everyone else can get you to act that way though. There are some things I just love about Japan and life here, but right now I'm in "get me out of here" mode; which is normal at this stage of the moving process, in my experience anyway. Christmas can't some soon enough-36 days...

I wrote this one day when my class didn't show up...

I love flags. They evoke deep emotions, stir up memories of things sometimes long forgotten, and serve as a comforting reminder of where I’ve been while whispering grand stories about where I still may go. In my English room here in Japan there are flags draped from the ceiling across two walls; I find it very welcoming to be greeted by them every morning. They can be especially consoling when things aren’t going so well—when the homeroom teacher brings the students to class 20 minutes late and has no plan; when my classes are cancelled and nobody tells me; when the homeroom teacher sends her students to my class but doesn’t come herself until 15 minutes after class should have started, even though she knows it’s illegal for me to have class without a Japanese teacher there. In such times I can find solace by merely looking to my left where the Turkish flag hangs, remembering other times when I had no idea what was going on, recalling colorful memories of scarves and markets and music and lamb and exploring ancient ruins. Then I see the Swiss flag, representing a land like a fairytale with wonderful chocolate and cheese and fat cows with golden bells; and the US, with my family and Halloween and thanksgiving and peanut butter and diversity; Germany with bread and gorgeous mountains and Christmas like nowhere else in the world; Greece with ancient beauty and mystery and incredible food; the UK with rugged beauty and some of the dearest people in the world; and finally, directly in front of me as I stand in the middle of the room, are my two most newly discovered countries—Malaysia and Singapore. I can’t help but smile when I look up during class and see those two hanging there almost smiling back at me, bringing memories of wonderful food, great people, and good times:

Unfortunately all my countries aren't represented in the English room; but there are also many flags representing countries I haven't yet discovered, like Thailand, Cambodia, India, and Korea, which seem like silent cheerleaders telling me to do my best and remember that with the next paycheck I'll be one step closer to another new adventure (and one step closer to getting rid of good ole' Sallie Mae).

An update

Life is interesting, isn't it? You just never know what will happen next, where God will take you. I can't believe I'm here--and that's a phrase I've uttered my entire life. It's been 6 months now- what a relief! But next month I'll have to make the big decision. Do I renew my contract for another year-to March 2010-or end it after 1 year and leave March 2009? Huge decision. I'm a little torn. What in the world would I do if I left? Go back to the states and try to get a job even though everyone's downsizing? I just don't see myself in the states so soon. I'm rather in love with the thought of Asia...but, stay in Japan? And how would I go about getting a job in another Asian country? I could live with the Sherpas in Nepal for a few months or a year teaching English in the villages; I could pretty much teach English anywhere, but I'd probably have to go back to school and I just don't want to do that. Part of me would love to leave, and part of me is embarrassed at myself for such a thought. The part of me that seriously ponders it can't seriously imagine packing up right in front of God and saying "okay that's enough, I'm outta here." God is working; I see it, I feel it. And when God works it's never comfortable. I'm here away from pretty much everything and everyone I love. As always, I don't fit in with the other Americans and I stick out like a sore thumb. I pretty much never know what's going on (not exaggerating). It's quite difficult trying to figure things out, especially when something as simple as handing someone a piece of paper can offend. I can no longer do anything simply or familiarly or straightforward. And in a sense, it's great. God is using it all. How better to learn patience than to be thrown into a country where you can't communicate much with words? How better to learn to trust in God than to be in a place where you have no idea what's going on and no person to run to? How better to learn to understand the love of God more and in turn to love God more than to be alone in a world that treats one like a strange step-child? And it's not like everything is difficult. A lot of it is just me--a young halfrican Christian TCK "gypsy" trying to figure things out. I love my kids (most of the time) and the job benefits and the paycheck (much better than what I can get in the states). I love the excitement of being here. I don't have to go very far to discover something new. So while it's frustrating and stressful, it's also exciting and rewarding with a scattering of really peaceful moments. I think I'll probably stay but I'm still praying about it. Who knows what God has planned next.

my little angels

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."" Luke 10:38-42

After I said goodbye to my little 4 and 5 year olds last week, I grabbed a broom and began sweeping out the classrooms like I always do. There are normally a handful of kids who stay a few hours longer waiting for a parent to get off work, and they normally play in the gym. Well, on this particular day two little girls decided they were going to play in whatever classroom I happened to be trying to clean. They came in giggling, eyes shining, long hair streaming behind them as they ran across the floor and slid right in front of me, scattering my nice little piles of dirt back across the room. They didn't look where they slid, they just looked at me and each other and giggled like it was the best thing ever. I haven't seen them act that way with any of the other teachers. Maybe it's because I'm a foreigner. Or maybe it's because they can see right through me with their pure child-hearts; perhaps they could see that I'm not so different from them, that I still love playing dress-up just like they do, that I sleep with a teddy bear close by and eat dessert before dinner. It was then that I gained a bit more insight into the Martha and Mary story, which I think is full of different lessons. I was Martha that day, busily trying to do what I was "supposed" to be doing, not looking up or around to see or enjoy that which God had put around me. The two little girls were Mary, unconcerned with where they "should" be or what they "should" be doing. They were just enjoying the moment God gave them, and what God made them--girls, feminine, pure-hearted. They haven't yet been corrupted by the world into thinking that to be feminine is to be "too much," "not enough," and hardened, that beauty comes from what you wear and a coating of makeup. They still know God's truths, that to be feminine is good, that they deserve to be delighted in, that beauty shines from the inside out. They soon had me transformed into a Mary as well, pushing them across the room on my broom and giggling along with them. Little girls are good for that.

i've gone mad

Just so yous know, it's official: I've gone mad. Let me explain.

On Tuesday I woke up with a sore throat, and as the day progressed it turned into a huge headache. So most of the day I wasn't able to think straight at all. I left work at my official time (4:55) and walked to a place where I meet a lady from church because she drives me to Japanese class on Tuesdays. I waited for her for a half an hour but she didn't show up, so I just figured something came up and I walked home with my pounding head. Upon arriving in my apartment I glance at my rice cooker. The time on it said 5:00. What?? So I look at my alarm clock. It too said 5:00. At this point I'm so confused and I have no idea what's going on...I just know my head hurts. The only thing that could have happended is that I left work an entire hour early. But it was completely not on purpose--I definitely thought the clock said 4:55, I can still see it in my head. And as I was leaving everyone said goodbye just like they always do; I even walked right past my principal and he said bye like he does every other day. Yesterday I was at my other school and today I have to go back to my main school...I really hope they don't say anthing because all I can tell them is the truth, which sounds like a lie. Sigh. I really have gone mad.

Stay…or go to who knows where

I came knowing I would stay here for two years, and I haven’t questioned that even once until today. Now I’m not so sure.

I’ve been trying for a couple weeks now to “be allowed” to buy my plane ticket for Christmas to visit my family. I have my eye on two different tickets, and I noticed this morning that one of them went up by about $200. Now before I continue, I must explain the way things work:

Status is extremely important in Japan. At school, I’m the absolute bottom of the rung. I can’t just go to my principal or vice principal to ask something; I have to go first through the head English teacher who will go through somebody else who will finally go to the principle or vice principle.

So I’ve been telling my head English teacher the dates I’d like be gone for Christmas these past few weeks, but she hasn’t passed anything along. Long story somewhat shorted: I keep asking today without getting answers, so finally right before I leave school I tell my English teacher I’m going to buy my ticket. She says I should wait for the vice principal to come back from a meeting he was at, which would mean I’d have to wait at work for half an hour after I should be gone. So I wait because I didn’t want my ticket to go up by like $500 before I’m finally “allowed” to buy it. So I wait and wait for an hour, he finally comes back, and he tells me to wait until Thursday. It took everything in me not to do something emotional—throw the nearest object out the window, run out screaming, start sobbing. But I couldn’t do anything at all but walk home in the dark, missing my Japanese class yet again because I had to wait so long.

I have never been more frustrated in my life. The reason I have to wait two more days is because I’d be missing 2 ½ days of “teaching” class over my Christmas break and he wanted to talk that over with the principal, who won’t be back until Thursday. It makes me so angry that everything is a double-standard when it comes to me. They have a lot of rules: “leave a room better than it was when you came” unless that room is the English room, then you can hold meetings in there without letting Kristin know, you can leave whatever you want in there, and don’t worry about putting things back where you found them. “When you go on vacation, bring back present for all the other teachers” except for Kristin, let’s leave nice wrapped presents on everybody’s desk except hers so that when she’s sad coming back from her fabulous trip to Malaysia and is really missing her friends she’ll know how much she’s valued here. And my favorite double-standard of all: cancelling class. All my classes so far this week have been cancelled. But did anybody bother telling me that? No, not until after the fact. They did that to me all the time last semester too. And yet they don’t want me to miss 2 ½ days for Christmas break? Last semester they cancelled classes the entire last half of the semester so the kids could go swimming! And you’re seriously thinking about not letting me go for 2 ½ days??

Maybe I’m being too dramatic about this. It's difficult being “the new girl” again. I was spoiled in Oklahoma. I was able to stay there for 4 ½ years, which for me is nearly forever, and I was actually able to make real friends. And oh do I miss them all.

I hope this isn’t too depressing; I may come back through later and delete it, but for now I just want all of you who actually read this to know how I’m really doing and to pray for me for guidance.

Trust

Thus far, my faithful readers, I have really only relayed to you "the good" concerning my time here. In this entry I'd like to go a bit deeper and show you "the bad and the ugly" which, you will see, is mainly caused by myself.

First, though, another observation. It's been my experience that when a person is acting overly cheerful, that person is covering up for something (depression, eating disorder, some kind of addiction). Japan is the same way. On the outside it's bright pink, laughing, even pooping out smiley faces, but in reality it's terribly sad. It has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Tragic.

If there's one thing God is trying to teach me here it's trust. I wake up every morning wondering why I'm here, stepping into yet another day where 90% of the time I won't know what's going on. God just says "Trust Me." All I can say is "OK."

It's been 5 months now, and I'm finding it hard to attach myself fully. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm sure language and the lack of diversity have something to do with it. By this point I should be able to read Hiragana and Katakana like nothing, but I'm not. I feel really out of place with the international group at church because everyone is North American. I can't fully explain it but I always feel out of place in groups of North Americans unless they're also TCKs. Simple solution--learn Japanese! Okay, give me 6 years...

It's a little rough having so little independence and being treated like I'm some strange mix of celebrity and second-class citizen. It's strange to have your eyes brim with tears when you look in your mailbox and find a letter not only in English but written by someone who cares and not Sallie Mae.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I'm here and I am having fun. I just want to also share that life isn't a picnic and that I'm not one of those people hiding behind a colorful and happy façade.