The Identity Question

Living in Japan this past year and a half has been rather difficult for me. There is much that I love here but I must be honest; it's been some of the roughest times of my life. And it all revolves around the identity question I think. I suppose most people go through this sort of thing in their teenage years. But for me, since I have no roots and I've moved so often, I'm nearly constantly going through an identity crisis it seems. I thought I had worked through it a bit by this point, but then I took a test. The test is called the Intercultural Development Inventory and it measures whether you're in the unresolved, in transition, or resolved states of many different kinds of cultural sensitivities. I'll only mention my most interesting result- my encapsulated marginality score. I scored really low, only about half-way through the unresolved stage. An explanation:

"Issues in Encapsulated Marginality indicate that you are struggling with how to integrate your intercultural abilities with your identity. You may be asking yourself, "Now that I can shift my cultural perspective and behavior whenever I want, who am I anyway?" You are probably feeling some alienation from all cultures you know about, including your own. For instance:

• As a traditional-age or returning-adult student, you may have trouble making decisions about what to study, since everything seems equally interesting and important to one of the many careers that you are considering.
• In business situations, you may find yourself feeling separate from your co-workers and unable to identify with either the corporate culture or any of the national/ethnic cultures of which you may be a part."

That's pretty spot on. I've never really fit into any ethnic/national group and I've always known that I can't. I know full well I'll never quite belong on earth. Although it can be quite frustrating, I love my life and I wouldn't change the past. But I must admit, sometimes, hearing stories from those people who never left their own backyard, who knew everyone in their neighborhood, who were never seduced by the call of the jet engine or the allure of a train speeding around the bend...sometimes, I hear their stories and an unexpected pang of envy creeps in. Oh how blissful it must be not to wonder! What elation there must be upon seeing an untrodden path in the forest and not feeling obligated by the very blood in your veins to discover its destination! How marvelous it must feel to hear about mysterious far-off places and yet be content in a cubicle 9 to 5! Ah, but alas; that is not me. It seems I'll remain a wandering gypsy til my dying day.

Here's to Samantha Brown

Don't get me wrong, I admire Samantha Brown. I used to want her job. But the more I watch her show the more I realize she doesn't really see any of the countries she tours. She has the same vacation every time--high class hotels, wine, lounging on the beach or skiing, expensive meals. It doesn't even matter where she is, it seems. Isn't travel more than fancy meals and high-end hotels? Isn't travel more than sight seeing? She and I just have a different style. For me, travel involves a mix of pleasure and pain. I don't just want to see the pretty exterior, the outer and superficial. I want more of the soul of a place. Give me food out of a van on the side of the road. Give me lodging that's less than $40 a night and close to where people actually live. Give me sights that are more ancient than modern, more history-filled than superficial. Give me time spent exploring without a guidebook, time spent with real people, full of sounds, tastes, colors, smells, sights...life. That's the way I do it, and that's why I leave every time with a broken heart that never fully heals. Here's to Samantha Brown, who is somehow able to enjoy herself and keep her heart intact. But I shall continue to travel like Anthony Bourdain who, like me, understands the heartache of travel and yet keeps going back for more.

professional gypsy looking for work...

Well I'm no longer stuck in Bangkok. Vacation was good, but I think I'm going to do most of it again. Thailand, Cambodia, and Malaysia haven't seen the last of me (or so I pray). Now I'm back in Japan with The Question still looming before me, waiting for an answer I'll have to give in the not-so-distant future. What is a gypsy like me supposed to do with her life? White picket fences scare me. The mere thought of an office/desk job is terrifying. Living in one spot for more than 4 1/2 years is nearly incomprehensible. And I'd almost rather do paperwork and make up my bed mom-style for a year than do more schooling. I don't think I'm supposed to stay here for another year but I have no idea what my next move is supposed to be. But then again, aren't things in my life always foggy? I don't think I'm supposed to stay here but I don't feel like I'm supposed to move back to the states just yet either. With my degree basically in miscellaneous though, I don't even know what I'm qualified to do. I do, however, know what I love: 

• photography
• writing
• traveling
• God
• art (modern, ancient, fashion, music, page layouts...I find it all fascinating) 
• people (people are fascinating too, particularly TCKs, ATCKs, ex-pats...)
• natural healing/natural medicine/nutrition 

Perhaps I should go back to school for photography. Perhaps...perhaps a lot of things. I think my dream job would be to work for a travel magazine or some TCK publication, taking pictures and writing for them. Or, maybe just writing for myself. Or maybe I should go back to school to actually become a teacher and work for DODDs or some international school. I don't know. I'm curious to see what God has in store.

Anybody hiring? I can start in April of next year...

Im stuck in Bangkok for the moment, but there are worse fates.

:)

from the past

July 22, 2007

"...we went through the hermitage and stopped so Jennie could tell the story of Nanny Grey for those who hadn't heard it before. And there, in the forest, the stories are real. There, with the trees singing their quiet songs and the sunlight fighting with the shadow, the legends have life and breath and the footsteps of the wood cutter, the blue lady, and Nanny Grey can be heard faintly, if you only listen..."

I miss it so much. 

anybody hiring?

I tried to post about my bday a few weeks ago but I can't figure out how to put pictures up properly on here with my new computer. I'll have to do a picture post later. Summary: Tokyo Disneyland is wonderful; I love it; it was a great day. Captain Jack Sparrow came to me, I didn't have to go to him; best bday ever. 

If only every day could be like a day at Disney. But alas, here I am stuck in the reality of being an AET in Mito. The only thing that keeps me going at the moment is knowing that in just over a month I'll get to take my vacation and go to Malaysia again, Thailand, and Cambodia. Far more laid-back cultures than here. Which I need rather desperately. I'm through with all the disrespect and ridiculousness. To pass the foreigner's driving test to get a Japanese license, there are 19 steps you must do in exactly the right order before you even start the car. I've got until November to figure out what to do next. On one hand, it seems stupid for one to leave an easy job that pays really well; on the other, it seems stupid to keep a job that drives one insane. On my budget, it pays well enough for me to take two long trips a year and to pay off a sizeable chunk of my student loans; if I were to stay here 2 more years I'd have my student loans completely paid off. But I think 4 years total in my current situation might not be worth it. So, pray for me please. I don't want to make a decision without knowing if it's what God wants me to do; and as that's a bit difficult to discern, please pray. I appreciate it. 

oh 23..

I can't believe it's almost my birthday again! Has it really been a year? Has it only been a year? 23 has been the most difficult year of my life thus far. And it's not because of Japan; it's me. Japan is just a key player in the story, a setting that has allowed things to happen. I was drawn to this country, away from everyone and everything I know, not fully comprehending the draw but knowing I should follow it. Here in this environment certain things have become glaringly obvious and all the issues from my globally nomadic lifestyle have caught up to me and punched me in the face. One day I'll write a book. Now, though, I feel like I'm on the very edge of something; something good, and real, and much needed. So I'm interested to see where the 24th year will take me. I've never made a big deal over my birthday before although part of me has always wanted to. I've never done anything more special than going to a movie; never had a party or anything like that. I want to celebrate what God has done these 23 years and cheer to the next, because God is good and I think it's a good thing to celebrate ones existence as well. So this year, I'm doing something--I'm going to Tokyo Disneyland; and I'm so so excited. I'll never really grow up.