still alive

Yeah...sorry. It's been awhile. My old OC dell pretty much died, but now I've got a new Macbook in English, but with a Japanese keyboard. Easy enough to get used to. I also now have a car; a tiny kei-car, my first car ever:

It's been about 13 months now I think, officially longer than at least 1 other place I've lived. I still don't know what to do next...but, no worries. It's Golden Week now which means I don't have to go back to work for another 5 days!! I plan on using the time to stay as far away from stress and responsibilities as possible. I'll write a better post next time.

wait out the rain

I’m actually not sure why I’m posting this one. It’s really more just my own thoughts, the musings of a TCK, than anything blogworthy. But for some reason I feel like I ought to, so here you are ladies and gentlemen: welcome to my musings.

What have I done this past year? What of meaning? I can’t think of much. I’ve made a few people happy here and there but that’s about it. Through my own stupidity I still can hardly communicate. Through my own ignorance I still don’t know what’s going on half the time. And through my own –I don’t even know what to call it—I continuously accept and reject life here without ever fully embracing it. I’ve had some extraordinarily good times here. But have all those times simply been pleasurable, and not productive? What will last from any of it? I’m about 90% eternal optimist and 10% extreme pessimist; I think growing up a military TCK has made me that way. (TCK = Third Culture Kid; go here if you don’t know what that is http://stevewebel.com/2008/what-is-a-tck/). I know you have to make the most of every situation. I know that if you want to have a full heart you always have to be open to getting it broken. I know that friendship is the most valuable thing in the world. But the pessimistic part of me wants nothing more than to find an empty cave high up in the mountains, far away from the rest of the world, far away from any peoples or countries that I would love and eventually have to leave. I know, with each final hug, the chances of paths crossing again are rather slim. And since I can’t seem to stay in one place for longer than 4 ½ years, I know that each person I become friends with will eventually break my heart, and I theirs, when one or the other of us moves. Even though part of my heart is always broken, even though I’m always missing someone and somewhere, my heart is full. Broken and full to overflowing. I suppose only another military TCK can understand that. So here I am again in a place where people are constantly coming and going. I stand now staring the end of the semester in the face, looking back with a critical eye, looking forward at another year and yet another sad goodbye to one close to me. Sometimes things seem so confusing, so unfair. But I only see part of the picture now. From my classroom I can see a mountain range in the distance except on the most overcast of days. One glorious sunny clear day a few weeks ago, I looked out the window and I could see new mountains I had never seen before; huge and snow-capped. They were there all along; I just hadn’t been able to see them. Then a few weeks later it was rainy and I couldn’t see any mountains at all. By then, though, I already knew the secret of the mountains, that they hid themselves there in the distance but were there whether I could see them or not. All I had to do was wait out the rain.

Classic TCK song that’s been a part of me since the 2nd time I lived in Germany: http://www.imeem.com/hatchie/music/CTTBI3vm/goo-goo-dolls-iris/

life is not a box of chocolates

Sorry for slacking on the posting again...

I want to write something eloquent, something to make you feel what I feel at the moment. But the words aren't coming, and besides, I don't actually want to make you feel exactly as I do. My stress level is currently far too high and I wouldn't want my writing to cause anyone to have elevated blood pressure or a heart attack. So I will be short and blunt: things suck. Really, really suck. And yet every day God gives me something beautiful--a hug, a book, a bar of lavender soap, chocolate, a genuinely happy smile, and an encouraging word, to name a few. God uses us to help each other, and it's wonderful when we actually realize it. Last week I was actually able to get a day off to climb a mountain with 3 friends. It was one of the best days ever; I've kept some of the peace from that day with me and it's helped to keep me sane. Here are some pics. I went with

Miranda:

Derrick:

and Kyle:

The weather couldn't have been any more perfect; we could even see Mt. Fuji in the morning. I've got more pics on facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2032363&l=bff39&id=168302105. There are pics from sumou and other stuff in Tokyo in that album as well. Okay well that's all for today folks. It's time for me to try and de-stress with some tea.

Aladdin's Princess

Somehow coming back to Japan on Sunday felt...right. The journey was long--it started at 3am on Saturday with a 3 hour drive to the airport and ended on Sunday at 8pm as I stepped into my apartment. Inbetween that drive to the airport and arriving at my apartment were 2 plane flights, a bus ride, a train ride, a taxi drive, and a walk. I think the total time comes to somewhere between 27 and 30 hours. I felt peace as I stepped into my apartment and I'm sure it wasn't only because of my exhaustion. It felt right the next morning taking my usual walk to work, passing the gate to the shrine in my neighborhood as it stood half bathed in the rays of the rising sun, with the old twisted tree growing silently beside it. It felt right today--the day of opening ceremony and first day back for the kids after break--hearing the words "ohayou gozaimasu" ringing through the crisp and freezing morning air and repeating them back. Of course one can't put one's trust or well-being completely in feelings, since they are rather fickle in nature and apt to change several times in a day. But I do think God uses them sometimes and I think in this case it was the Holy Spirit letting me know that it was right-or at least okay-that I signed on for another year, that I can be used here. So we'll see what happens. I must mention one more thing before moving on to Christmas--when I got to work today I noticed that one of the teachers across from me in the teachers' room had a big post-it note type paper pad of unchikun (the Japanese cute poop); I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing. Now for an overview of Christmas. It was wonderful. I got to see all of my family, go to Disney World, eat mom's cooking, and see two old friends. It would be boring to read everything I did, so for your sake, my dear reader, I'll just mention a few things from Disney World. My favorite thing (apart from just spending time with Staci) was meeting Aladdin. I must admit that I was a little ridiculous. We spotted him from a distance and immediately I became all nervous and excited like I was going to meet Johnny Depp or something! So then we got in line (and I must mention that we were the only adults) and got our picture with Jasmine and Aladdin and they were both really nice. Aladdin took my hands, smiled, and called me Princess--twice--and I know it's silly, but really-that made my year. I'm a hopeless romantic; I can't help it.

The Pirates of the Caribbean ride was great, and I had another ridiculous reaction when Captain Jack Sparrow walked past me to his show.

What can I say? Yohoyoho a pirate's life for me.

aaand more of the good

Sorry, it's been about a month since I've posted! I really do mean to post at least a couple times a month, but things get busy. I think it's time for a few more random things about Japan:

-There are no paper towels in the bathrooms. If you want dry hands you have to carry your own personal hand towel.

-It's perfectly acceptable to bike to work wearing your suit. It's also perfectly acceptable to bowl wearing your suit. In fact, I'm quite sure it's perfectly acceptable to do anything in a suit here.

-The police always drive around with their lights flashing. When they want to pull someone over, they talk to them over the loudspeaker.

-They don't use the AC/heater at school. Well they do, but only after the official day they are allowed to, no matter how hot or cold it gets before the official day comes. And even then they use it sparingly. My toes have gone numb from the cold only about 5 times so far though.

-People in my city aren't used to seeing foreigners too often. I'm used to being stared at, so that was nothing new coming here; the older people though can be quite funny. My favorite reaction so far was at a public bathroom. There was a line, and I was coming out of the bathroom stall to wash my hands. The next person in line was an old lady; she hurried to the stall when she saw the door opening but as soon as she saw me she stopped in her tracks and just stared. It was like she wasn't sure what to do; apparently she didn't have to go too bad because she stared until I finished washing my hands.

I've noticed that my trend as of late is to write only about the more negative aspects about my life here. I think it's time to write again on a few more reasons why I like it here.

-I love my apartment. It's small but just perfect for one person, and I'm in love with my bathtub.

-People think I'm weird, but I really love walking. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I walk half an hour one-way to work, and on Wednesdays I walk 45 minutes one-way to work. I love having to rely on my own power to get me where I need to go, and I love that I'm forced to excersize every day. I love having that time between waking up and actually getting to work; it's a good time to re-focus on what's important and soak up Japan. If I drove there's no way I would know that most of the fish in the streams like to swim against the current or have time to appreciate the architecture of the different buildings.

-I love how easy it is to pay my bills--I just bring them to the closest convinience store and pay there.

-I love the kids. There are some really annoying ones but they're all a lot of fun, and even on the crappiest day they make me smile. Pictures!! Are you ready? They're so cute!

i did it

Well, I've done it. I signed the paperwork last week and I'm staying for another year. And every day since that fateful day has made me wish I hadn't. Not that I really have any other options anyway, but still it would make me feel better to know that I could just tell Japan I'm sick of it and leave. It's really not that bad, and I know it'll be at least a little better in a few months when I finally get a car. But a lot of things are getting to me. I'm quite adaptable, but I have to be careful of what I allow myself to adapt to. I refuse to adapt to the way I'm treated here; I will not succumb to "slave-girl syndrome." But being treated like you're lowly, invisible, and not worth as much as everyone else can get you to act that way though. There are some things I just love about Japan and life here, but right now I'm in "get me out of here" mode; which is normal at this stage of the moving process, in my experience anyway. Christmas can't some soon enough-36 days...

I wrote this one day when my class didn't show up...

I love flags. They evoke deep emotions, stir up memories of things sometimes long forgotten, and serve as a comforting reminder of where I’ve been while whispering grand stories about where I still may go. In my English room here in Japan there are flags draped from the ceiling across two walls; I find it very welcoming to be greeted by them every morning. They can be especially consoling when things aren’t going so well—when the homeroom teacher brings the students to class 20 minutes late and has no plan; when my classes are cancelled and nobody tells me; when the homeroom teacher sends her students to my class but doesn’t come herself until 15 minutes after class should have started, even though she knows it’s illegal for me to have class without a Japanese teacher there. In such times I can find solace by merely looking to my left where the Turkish flag hangs, remembering other times when I had no idea what was going on, recalling colorful memories of scarves and markets and music and lamb and exploring ancient ruins. Then I see the Swiss flag, representing a land like a fairytale with wonderful chocolate and cheese and fat cows with golden bells; and the US, with my family and Halloween and thanksgiving and peanut butter and diversity; Germany with bread and gorgeous mountains and Christmas like nowhere else in the world; Greece with ancient beauty and mystery and incredible food; the UK with rugged beauty and some of the dearest people in the world; and finally, directly in front of me as I stand in the middle of the room, are my two most newly discovered countries—Malaysia and Singapore. I can’t help but smile when I look up during class and see those two hanging there almost smiling back at me, bringing memories of wonderful food, great people, and good times:

Unfortunately all my countries aren't represented in the English room; but there are also many flags representing countries I haven't yet discovered, like Thailand, Cambodia, India, and Korea, which seem like silent cheerleaders telling me to do my best and remember that with the next paycheck I'll be one step closer to another new adventure (and one step closer to getting rid of good ole' Sallie Mae).